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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Done.

Have you ever felt like you weren't free? Like you just want to be done with everything, all obligations, and just run far away and not worry about your "stuff" and their "stuff" and just be.  This feeling is crazy overwhelming this morning.  I am just so done with "stuff".  I know why I volunteer and do so much and be so much to so many people and organizations and work - but some days it just feels like I don't think it is worth it all.  I just want to be.  I don't want to be relied upon.  I just want to go out and love everything and be free from societal obligations.  I want to love the person I am and be free to show others what amazing people they are.

I don't know where this feeling has come from.  It doesn't feel like the depression of old - when I used to suffer from depression.  It feels more like a yearning for newness. A yearning for change - even though that change would be so dramatic that it would uproot me from everything I feel so comfortable with in my life.

Lately I have been very nostalgic as well. Certain smells set it off and send me back into my past.  There are always little things that remind me of who I used to be - but lately they have been coming at me like a jack hammer. One after another. I am actually scared of the implications of these feelings. I am scared of the path I might choose...will it be wrong?

5 comments:

paulsifer42 said...

What you're describing is what I feel EVERY summer. No joke. That pit in your stomach that screams that something needs to change even though everything is going good. Crazy motivating. To be honest, I have more hobbies than is probably healthy, and when I think back on it, they all started in the summer time. Weird. :)

Underground Dude said...

I think this feeling is entirely normal to have, and eventually you may make the leap and make some drastic changes in your life. The worry and wondering if it was the right choice or not is also normal, but I think we have the power to make it the right choice by the actions we take after the choice is made; own it.

Oilfield Trash said...

I feel like that a lot of the time to be honest with you.

bruce said...

i used to look at life in 2 year spans.

change is constant. our society today is much more immediate.

since my illness, i look at life in 3 month windows.

illness sets you free...no longer do i think about 5 years ahead, or what i have to do to today to prepare for tomorrow...

i could die tomorrow...

the great thing is no matter which path you choose, you can always course correct...

prolly no help...

but you are at least being heard!

Ryan said...

change is constant and quite often i say to myself that i am "done" - dealing with bullshit.

as far as living up to societal expectations, fuck that - just do you. who cares what other people think, chances are they don't mean a thing to you, so why not just do what makes you happy