Being open...

So I have a new diagnoses that has happened since my last post. Back in 2009 I had a condition called "papilledema" which has now resurfaced. It is one of those conditions where they diagnose you but then you have to go through test after test to see what caused it. Last time - they never found a cause.

This time has been a bit different. The symptoms I have been having are intense POUNDING headaches as well as black outs in my eyes - like they blur and then I get blind spots. I had these symptoms for 2 weeks before I finally broke down and saw the doctor this time. I am busy dealing with being behind at work (due to a week of vacation to direct church camp) and client work backing up due to me being sick the first week back (bad headaches...could barely even function). Luckily I have gotten to a point where I have been able to just deal with the headaches and work through the pain. However, it is so hard to concentrate and I feel client work is suffering - which is never good in today's job market.

I want them to figure out what caused it this time. It is scary knowing that this could ultimately cause blindness and this is the second occurrence and we still have yet to find a cause. We must wait and see. One little snag I am running in to: I must go see a neuro-ophthalmologist to start the waves of tests and "treatments". There are two of these kinds of doctors in the whole state of Arizona and one is not accepting new patients. The other said they could not see me until early August. When I pressed - she said they could "slip me in" on July 20. I don't think I can live with these intense headaches plus blind spots randomly showing up THAT long. It is ridiculous. I called the eye doctor and he was out so hopefully tomorrow I can find out if I can go to a regular neurologist to start the tests.

What are the tests you may ask? Well last time it went like this: 1. Head MRI to determine that there is not a tumor pressing up against the back of the optic nerve. It came out clear back in 2009 so I'm hoping they let me pass on the MRI but I will do it if they think it necessary. 2. Lumbar Puncture - aka: Spinal tap. When this was done last time it came out normal as well - however, they had already started treatment (diamox) which is a diuretic to help bring pressure down. After I had been on the diamox for a couple months my condition just went away. No real reason for me to have the condition - but it just disappeared and I was good. Now that it is back - I believe it may be even more imperative that we move fast to try to figure out what the cause is.

Anyway, I hate using my blog to bitch -but that's my life right now. Behind at work; constant headaches; black-out vision escapades; physical therapy on the knee which isn't feeling much different than it did before this last surgery. I know - I know. Pity party for me. Sorry.

In other news, church camp did go great. If you asked me during church camp I would have said it was awful as there was much drama and a few issues...but now that I have had time to look back at it and see the campers' responses...I believe it achieved what I wanted it to achieve. I accepted the role of camp director for next year as well so if any of you have any great, profound thoughts on what would be a good theme for a jr. high/sr. high church camp - let me know.

That's all for now. I want to end this post so I can head over and read some of your posts that I have fallen so far behind on that is appears impossible to catch up. Especially for the few of you who somehow find time and words to post 2 or 3 posts a day! Holy cow! I have missed reading you all though and look forward to the short time I have tonight to do such a thing. Peace to you all!

I Understand...

I have had this pounding headache and eyes blacking out for a week and a half now and it makes it very hard to function at work. Last week and even Monday of this week I was very sporadic at work and I'm so far behind it isn't even funny.

I understand now how people in pain sometimes feel like just snapping. I have to watch myself around everyone - I just want to walk around and punch people in the face and say snide comments to them and I have to put all of my effort into not doing such things. I have to calm myself and work around that particular situation. It's like something in my brain is making me this way too - I tend to be a decent/semi-nice person most of the time. Right now? Nope. I just want to push everyone away.

I see the eye doctor finally on Friday. I was putting it off but I shouldn't have. I have had this issue in the past - 3 years ago. They diagnosed me but didn't have a "reason" for what I had. It was a series of tests to rule out what did not cause it. I didn't have a brain tumor pressing on my optic nerves. I didn't have built up spinal fluid pressure. I hadn't had recent weight swings. It just happened to me. And it is just happening again and I hate it and I hate the world to be quite honest. I hate feeling this way and I want to be positive but it takes so much energy to be positive. UGH.

Anyway - I have other stuff I would love to blog about - but I really didn't have time to blog this so I definitely don't have time to blog those things. Hopefully soon I can be caught up. For now - I just want to say I miss you all - my blog friends. I miss you a lot. Sorry I've been so distant. I will try to write about camp soon and about other personal life issues I've been working through in my head. Love to you all.