Done.

Have you ever felt like you weren't free? Like you just want to be done with everything, all obligations, and just run far away and not worry about your "stuff" and their "stuff" and just be.  This feeling is crazy overwhelming this morning.  I am just so done with "stuff".  I know why I volunteer and do so much and be so much to so many people and organizations and work - but some days it just feels like I don't think it is worth it all.  I just want to be.  I don't want to be relied upon.  I just want to go out and love everything and be free from societal obligations.  I want to love the person I am and be free to show others what amazing people they are.

I don't know where this feeling has come from.  It doesn't feel like the depression of old - when I used to suffer from depression.  It feels more like a yearning for newness. A yearning for change - even though that change would be so dramatic that it would uproot me from everything I feel so comfortable with in my life.

Lately I have been very nostalgic as well. Certain smells set it off and send me back into my past.  There are always little things that remind me of who I used to be - but lately they have been coming at me like a jack hammer. One after another. I am actually scared of the implications of these feelings. I am scared of the path I might choose...will it be wrong?

Day 04 - A picture of someone special to you.

I could write a whole blog about this someone special. I have actually already spoke about him many times so bear with me, but today's "day" called for it and he's one of the most special someone's in my life currently.

I got Jasper less than a month after my apartment was robbed at gun point.  I was not home when this happened thankfully.  The robbers didn't get away with much - 2 laptops, my roommates wallet, cell phone and keys to the apartment.  (Side note - they WERE caught and we got the laptops back...but a jury trial at which they lied out of their asses got them off the hook and back out onto the streets...grr). Anyway, I don't think it was immediate - but after about one week from the incident I decided I needed a dog. I wanted a puggle. I'm not sure it was necessarily because of the incident, however, I think the incident is what finally pushed me over the edge.  I was studying for the CPA exam at the time (still am...ugh) and got the baby at the absolute WORST time to get him.  One week before my exam I drove an hour and a half south and met him. Love at first sight.  He was so small - he fit in the palm of my hand. His whimper was so adorable and he was scared but he cuddled into my lap and seemed to feel better. I'm telling you - CUTEST THING EVER. I love him to this day, but those first few months where he was still small puppy were my favorite (minus the potty training).

So I present to you my best friend - the one guy who can take any crappy day and make me at least crack a small, quick smile. Jasper:

This is baby Jasper...

Day 03 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

I'm going to go with my Mom.

I have been one of the lucky ones.  I always considered my mom my best girl friend.  She seemed to understand me and didn't seem to be too hard on me.  She always loved me and made it to my games and listened to me complain about life plenty! She was always the one person there for me during my 18 years growing up in the small dinky town in Kansas and I love her for it.

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

This could be many folks in my family, but I'll choose my Gramps.  He was the first to introduce me to ice cream (I was less than a month old) and he always boast that we used to sit around and eat EXTREMELY hot salsa and chips together so he also gave me my love for good Mexican food. :)

This photo was taking at his birthday party two years ago. He is my only relative out here in Arizona and even though I hardly see him, I still am glad to have a family member out here.

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

Are you ready for this? (Who am I kidding...of course you are. I'm sorry I've been gone so long. I think about the blog, it's so hard to get out of "real life" and head over here to this corner of my life.)

Here we go:

Monkey face ;-)

Fifteen facts about what? If they are about me, I already did this a while back. Ugh - oh well. 

1. I am an auditor.
2. I love coffee, but I gave it up for Lent (which is a practice that my church doesn't even observe - it's a personal journey/sacrifice).
3. I pay for monthly massages and I love them.  It's one of the small things I decided to do just for me.
4. I love to play volleyball in my free time.
5. I am a director of a church camp during one week of the summer for 7th graders through graduated high school seniors in the mountains of New Mexico. That camp is one of my favorite places in the world. 
6. My favorite job I've ever had was working in a coffee shop while in college. I wouldn't mind doing something similar in the future. (I don't know how to make it work financially so we will see if THIS ever happens haha)
7. I drive a VW Beetle but it has been giving me a headache lately with things going wrong with it. I used to love it.
8. I own a green laptop - I paid an extra $50 to get the green and I think it is totally worth it!
9. I LOVE March Madness. Best time of the year if I can get away from work for it.  I also believe Kansas is going all the way this year. ROCK CHALK.
10. I could eat cereal for every meal.  It has all of the essentials that I love. I could live on just cereal and milk alone!
11. I let my pup sleep in my bed with me. Prior to owning a dog this idea would have repulsed me, however, there is something about Jasper that makes it so I don't mind. I love that little guy!
12. I would like to eventually travel. I want to spend at least a month in each of the places I visit to truly get a feel for the place. I also know that spending one month in a spot will make me want more - it would be a hard endeavor for me.
13. My favorite cookies are chocolate no bakes. Ever since I was a kid. YUM.
14. I have an addiction to Craps. I am lucky that the state of Arizona does not allow it in the casinos here or else I may have a gambling problem that would be unhealthy for me. I enjoy Vegas mostly for the Craps table (and sports betting). 
15. I love to randomly text an "I love you" or "I miss you" to people in my phone that I have not spoken to in months or even years.  It makes me smile and I hope it does the same for them.  It is one of my 'things'. 

Because if I don't - you all will get bored with my blog....

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 04 - A picture of someone special to you.
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of your recent vacation, with your family.
Day 07 - A picture that shows your true self.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 11 - A picture of something you love.
Day 12 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 13 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 14 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 15 - A picture of you and your friends.
Day 16 - A picture of something you’re afraid of.
Day 17 - A picture of your favorite place.
Day 18 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn’t have.
Day 19 - A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel.
Day 20 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 21 - A picture that confuses you.
Day 22 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 23 - A picture of something you crave alot.
Day 24 - A picture of you last year and how you’ve changed since then.
Day 25 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 26 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 27 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 28 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 29 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

Something I've learned about myself...

Oh - wow - hello there. I haven't seen you in forever. That is because I'm working ridiculous hours and when I'm not working, I'm running around doing things I couldn't do while I was busy studying for the exam I took last week.  I need to start studying for the next one, but the break has been SO nice.

Anyway, I figured I would come back and tease you a bit with a little blog post :) This will also be my FINAL blog post from the "30 Days of Randomocity" list I started all the way back in January.

I believe the topic assumes that I have posted once a day for all 30 days...but I'm going to stick to it's literal interpretation:

Day 30: Something  you learned (if anything) about yourself in the last 30 days

I don't really know how much new I've learned about myself. I have been a slacker lately due to my job.  I just am so tired when I finish and leave work every day.  I just want to sit and do nothing even though I have plenty of things on my list that need completed.  This isn't like me. In college I could always go-go-go and never stop. Now I don't feel like that at all. I just want to come home and sit and do nothing. Maybe this is just "busy season" getting to me...but hopefully I can kick myself into gear soon.

On a positive note - I have learned that I have some really amazing friends who are SO much fun to hang out with.  This past weekend I spent Friday night with a group of great folks who put me in a great mood to kick off the weekend.  I then spent Saturday night with a different group of amazing folks! I couldn't ask for better friends and a more fun weekend.

I learned in that there are some AMAZING folks around the world who have intriguing things to share about their lives.  I love all of the blog friends that I have made and I wish I could sit around all day and just read your blogs and comment on them and do nothing more.  Maybe one day when I marry into riches ;)

That is all for now. I am BEAT. Goodnight friends.