Being open...

So I have a new diagnoses that has happened since my last post. Back in 2009 I had a condition called "papilledema" which has now resurfaced. It is one of those conditions where they diagnose you but then you have to go through test after test to see what caused it. Last time - they never found a cause.

This time has been a bit different. The symptoms I have been having are intense POUNDING headaches as well as black outs in my eyes - like they blur and then I get blind spots. I had these symptoms for 2 weeks before I finally broke down and saw the doctor this time. I am busy dealing with being behind at work (due to a week of vacation to direct church camp) and client work backing up due to me being sick the first week back (bad headaches...could barely even function). Luckily I have gotten to a point where I have been able to just deal with the headaches and work through the pain. However, it is so hard to concentrate and I feel client work is suffering - which is never good in today's job market.

I want them to figure out what caused it this time. It is scary knowing that this could ultimately cause blindness and this is the second occurrence and we still have yet to find a cause. We must wait and see. One little snag I am running in to: I must go see a neuro-ophthalmologist to start the waves of tests and "treatments". There are two of these kinds of doctors in the whole state of Arizona and one is not accepting new patients. The other said they could not see me until early August. When I pressed - she said they could "slip me in" on July 20. I don't think I can live with these intense headaches plus blind spots randomly showing up THAT long. It is ridiculous. I called the eye doctor and he was out so hopefully tomorrow I can find out if I can go to a regular neurologist to start the tests.

What are the tests you may ask? Well last time it went like this: 1. Head MRI to determine that there is not a tumor pressing up against the back of the optic nerve. It came out clear back in 2009 so I'm hoping they let me pass on the MRI but I will do it if they think it necessary. 2. Lumbar Puncture - aka: Spinal tap. When this was done last time it came out normal as well - however, they had already started treatment (diamox) which is a diuretic to help bring pressure down. After I had been on the diamox for a couple months my condition just went away. No real reason for me to have the condition - but it just disappeared and I was good. Now that it is back - I believe it may be even more imperative that we move fast to try to figure out what the cause is.

Anyway, I hate using my blog to bitch -but that's my life right now. Behind at work; constant headaches; black-out vision escapades; physical therapy on the knee which isn't feeling much different than it did before this last surgery. I know - I know. Pity party for me. Sorry.

In other news, church camp did go great. If you asked me during church camp I would have said it was awful as there was much drama and a few issues...but now that I have had time to look back at it and see the campers' responses...I believe it achieved what I wanted it to achieve. I accepted the role of camp director for next year as well so if any of you have any great, profound thoughts on what would be a good theme for a jr. high/sr. high church camp - let me know.

That's all for now. I want to end this post so I can head over and read some of your posts that I have fallen so far behind on that is appears impossible to catch up. Especially for the few of you who somehow find time and words to post 2 or 3 posts a day! Holy cow! I have missed reading you all though and look forward to the short time I have tonight to do such a thing. Peace to you all!

I Understand...

I have had this pounding headache and eyes blacking out for a week and a half now and it makes it very hard to function at work. Last week and even Monday of this week I was very sporadic at work and I'm so far behind it isn't even funny.

I understand now how people in pain sometimes feel like just snapping. I have to watch myself around everyone - I just want to walk around and punch people in the face and say snide comments to them and I have to put all of my effort into not doing such things. I have to calm myself and work around that particular situation. It's like something in my brain is making me this way too - I tend to be a decent/semi-nice person most of the time. Right now? Nope. I just want to push everyone away.

I see the eye doctor finally on Friday. I was putting it off but I shouldn't have. I have had this issue in the past - 3 years ago. They diagnosed me but didn't have a "reason" for what I had. It was a series of tests to rule out what did not cause it. I didn't have a brain tumor pressing on my optic nerves. I didn't have built up spinal fluid pressure. I hadn't had recent weight swings. It just happened to me. And it is just happening again and I hate it and I hate the world to be quite honest. I hate feeling this way and I want to be positive but it takes so much energy to be positive. UGH.

Anyway - I have other stuff I would love to blog about - but I really didn't have time to blog this so I definitely don't have time to blog those things. Hopefully soon I can be caught up. For now - I just want to say I miss you all - my blog friends. I miss you a lot. Sorry I've been so distant. I will try to write about camp soon and about other personal life issues I've been working through in my head. Love to you all.

Exciting news (a bit late...)

So I was thinking - I'm SO sorry to my friends (yes I call my blog readers my friends...heh). I really haven't been ignoring you all completely. I just read your blogs through a reader on my phone which doesn't allow me a way to comment. Also, I have been neglecting my own blog. I have not been posting. I come up with blog ideas in my head but then I don't find the time to follow through. Work has been crazy and life outside of work has been crazy this past month. I am writing you right now from a hotel room in Las Cruces, New Mexico - about to head up into the mountains for the week to direct the junior high/senior high church camp that I grew up going to. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I know things will run smoothly but I never feel "ok" until I get there.

ANYWAY, on to the exciting news that I have not shared with you all yet. I paid off my car in May! Two years early even! Back in November I decided to do my own version of Dave Ramsey's program. One of the "baby steps" he talks about is snowballing debt. Paying it down as fast as possible. I have a pretty extensive spreadsheet (because I am an accountant and very nerdy) that shows potential time frame of paying off all debt. I should be able to finish by my 28th birthday I believe. Then all that money will go towards building up 6 months worth of wages (not expenses...I wanted wages) - which will be done by my 29th birthday. And then when I turn 30 I want to take off (may have to quit) my current job and go to Peru for a semester. I will have the money I need to take off and do the program and hopefully spend 6 months down there taking spanish classes and volunteering and traveling all over. Living with a Peruvian family and just immersing myself in the culture. That right there is what keeps me on track and keeps me following my budget and cash flow spreadsheet. I don't know if I've ever felt more excitement about something I've accomplished BEFORE it actually happens than I have with this whole paying off debt. I have soooo much debt it's disgusting - but to say I am debt free BEFORE 30! That's going to be cool. Now of course I will still have my house debt - but at that time I can decide if I want to pay that down early or what as well. I could even rent it out when the time comes and just pay it down double time. We will see - main goal is to pay down car (CHECK - booyah) and now federal and private student loans that are EVIL!

Anyway, I don't want to bore you all with this financial talk. Just wanted to update you. This is the first car I can officially call my own and I love it. Yay for my little Beetle. Now he better last me for a long long time!

Dos Equis wine coaster....

My family is classy ;) just chilling at my cousin's high school graduation.

God.

My friend got a little message left on his windshield tonight...I will share that photo with you.

1. My friend is gay.
2. He is an AMAZING guy.
3. God definitely DOES NOT hate him.

I don't understand what the person had going through their mind when they placed this on his window. Did they feel they were "saving his soul"? That he would "turn to God"? I truly believe (and have some good biblical reasoning) that God ...does not "hate" his own creations. I also believe that intentions are clear when words like this are used - you are not saving anyone - converting anyone - etc. You are creating hostility and hatred and spreading it further and further in our world.

It blows my mind. Do they know what they are conveying about Christians? Do they fully comprehend the hate message they are sending? Has there not been enough news stories lately about "bullying" and the effects it has on our world? Luckily, my friend is strong and grown up and not necessarily "immune" to this crap - but at least he can take it. What about our kids? What are you placing in their minds? That if they happen to be different - God hates them? Or on the other side - it is OK to bully and threaten others if you think what they do is wrong? We need to grow up.

That's all I have. I'm not very elegant with words - and this post doesn't nearly show my frustration...but I just wanted to put it out there. I think what I want to say can be found in the doctrine of the Community of Christ church in section 162 which was given in 2004:

"6a. From the earliest days you have been given a sacred principle that declares the inestimable worth of all persons. Do not forget.

b. The One who created all humankind grieves at the shameful divisions within the human family. A prophetic people must work tirelessly to tear down walls of separation and to build bridges of understanding.

c. You hold precious lives in your hands. Be gentle and gracious with one another. A community is no stronger than the weakest within it. Even as the One you follow reached out to those who were rejected and marginalized, so must the community that bears his name."

It hit 100 in Phoenix today...so I needed something to "cool" me down :)

1. I LOVE Glee.
2. This episode gives me butterflies. They did the song so perfectly!

I thought today was Tuesday...it's not. It's Wednesday...

I have been telling people lately that work is taking over my life. I suppose that is only partly true.  I look back over even the past week and I have had many happenings/done many things.

Last Thursday I went with the boy and we watched the Diamondbacks slaughter the Cubs which was pretty fun because Phoenix is FULL of Cubs fans (I know - like everyone from Chicago moves here...crazy).

Last Friday, I took a client to the Cubs vs. Dbacks game - the Cubs took us...boo. That was no fun because Cubs fans are loud - and there were WAY more of them out for the game on Friday than there were on Thursday.

Saturday I did a nice 5 mile work out (on the elliptical of course because of the knee) and then went to a wine tasting with the American Society of Women Accountant's group I am involved in.  I ended up buying 2 out of the 6 wines we tried. PARTY! I can't wait to crack those open.  Saturday night I went to a silent auction/fundraising dinner for one of my ex-coworker's children.  It was a nice evening - great food. Didn't win the raffle and didn't win my bids in the silent auction but that is quite alright - money going towards something good.

Sunday morning I slept in - watched the last episode of The Office with Steve Carell finally (shed a few tears) and then it was off to a wedding.  The wedding was like an hour drive away (boo - all the way on the west side of the valley).  The venue was gorgeous however.  It was the backyard of this house over there.  They had a lazy river running through their backyard with a waterfall and some little coves to do "private" stuff in I suppose ;) ;)  The back part of the yard even had a trampoline (level with the ground - they dug a hole and the tramp was placed in there). I didn't go on that because I can't get the image of a broken leg out of my mind.  My friend Sam's little girl just broke her leg in 2 places just JUMPING on a trampoline! Ew.  The wedding was ok. They didn't have alcohol at all - and I think that gives weddings a thumbs down...but I managed.

Monday I went to work and then spent the evening doing errands - Jasper finally got a bath - I cooked a couple meals for lunches for the week and worked out a bit before my massage with my 2nd boyfriend over at the massage place. He's like my therapist/massager-guy all in one.  I get my monthly "chat" in with him which is always nice because we don't KNOW each other except from that little massage room so I can share whatever I feel with him.  All for the price of my massage! Woo.

Last night I did work until like 6:30 and then had the hour drive home (my client is pretty far out these 2 weeks).  On the drive home, my friend said he didn't want to cook and so we decided to go out for chinese food which was delicious - however, that put me home at about 9pm so poor Jasper didn't get a walk or time at the dog park or anything :( We just chilled at home until I crashed.

Tonight I'm going to see the Diamondbacks vs. Rockies with a friend whose boss gave him some "really good tickets" so that should be fun.  I am hoping the boyfriend can take Jasper to the park after work but if not I'll take him on a good long walk tonight after the game.

Anyway, I am at work so I should probably get to work (oops).  Hope you all have a great day!